“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
This made me smile…
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying