“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ