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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Penguins walking in 5x speed
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”