Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.