Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no