@StevStiffler: You're so fake, even China denied they made you.
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@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
@amishschool: My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
@RandiLawson: I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
@OffTheHutch: "So send me a picture of you..." *sends* "Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever."