You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.