You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
i love modern commerce
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.