@shegotagronk: You're so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don't you.
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@IrishVin: My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants.
@rancheroni: football coach: i need you guys to make a play (8 months later at opening night) football coach: wait wtf is this
@DionneMcNutt: Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
@goldengateblond: I've gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I'll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.