@shegotagronk: You're so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don't you.
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@jazmasta: *i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine* "Hold tight son...WAIT! If u are here then.." *son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
@JohnFugelsang: I can't wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter