You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.