You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Watson was Holmes schooled
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.