You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.