You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
$3 #books
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*