That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Lucky old June.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.