Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You Might Also Like
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
BETRAYAL
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about