“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless