“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
How is it still this week?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”