My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.