I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds