The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
stop
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
👾👾👾
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’m good, thanks.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”