If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
At least my masseuse has my back.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.