You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Merica.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail