You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
boat question
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*