I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.