“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
my lower back watching me try to live my life
respect
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.