“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!