i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
You Might Also Like
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.