This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.