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@fillthevacuum: You're the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
@living_marble: Was it something I said?
@1Happytwit: If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.
@TheTweetOfGod: McDonald's sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
@Jakexox: First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What's the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what's the problem
@capricecrane: I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.