You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
You Might Also Like
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
There is wisdom there.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”