You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
You Might Also Like
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Lmao
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I gave up going to work for lent.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike