You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?