You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.