I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.