by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.