You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle