[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.