**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*