**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.