“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.