You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Yes, this is exactly right
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Yep.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?