you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
mmm onion ringos
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Investing in beetcoin
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.