you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I hope Alan is OK
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived