YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
the council will decide your fate
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When a shoelace touches your ankle
i want to work in this restaurant
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes