YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.