Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Sharon I have some bad news
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen