so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.