You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You Might Also Like
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?