Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.