[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“Why you watching this shit?”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Oh deer
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I can also cook 😂