“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?