What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
You’re the water to my grease fire.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.