Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
so weird how every mom was born today
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
What the hell is going on?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird