YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Generation gap…
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.