it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Become ungovernable.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.