Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother