“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good